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Ten Commandments: Minnesota Style
1. Der's only one God, ya know.
2. Don't make that fish on your mantle an idol.
3. Cussing ain't Minnesota nice.
4. Go to church even when you're up nort.
5. Honor your folks.
6. Don't kill. Catch and release.
7. There is only one Lena for every Ole. No cheatin'.
8. If it ain't your lutefisk, don't take it.
9. Don't be braggin' about how much snow ya shoveled.
10. Keep your mind off your neighbor's hotdish.
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A neighbor asked Ole why the Norwegian government doesn't draft men until age 45. Ole explained, "Dey vant to get dem right outta of high school."
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Ole told Sven that Lena tried out for the Olympic svim team. She competed in the breast stroke, and finished dead last. Vell, complained Lena, dem udder girls cheated. Dey ver using dere arms!
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Wanting a portrait with which to surprise her husband, a beautiful woman asks talented artist Ole to paint her in the nude. "No," Ole replies. "I don't do dat sorta ting." "But what if I double your fee?" asks the woman. "Nope, sorry. Von't do it." replies Ole. "How about I give you five times what you normally get?" pleads the woman. "Oh, okay den," says Ole, "But I'm keeping my socks on. I need a place ta put my brushes."
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Knute Hegermoe got tired of farming so he went off to sea and became a pirate. Ten years later he was seen back home with a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a black patch over one eye. Ole spotted him and asked what happened. "Vell", said Knute, "I have been a pirate, and it's a tough life. Vun time in a battle a cannon ball shot off my leg, so I had to whittle myself a peg leg. Den, I got in a sword fight and lost my right hand so our ship's blacksmith made me a metal hook." "So what about the patch over your eye?", Ole asked. Knute explained that he had been up on deck taking navigational sightings when suddenly a seagull divebombed him with a mess square in the eye. "But THAT wouldn't make you lose an eye", said Ole. "Ya it would", said Knute, "if you yust got a new hook on your hand".
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Two young men from up in Minnesota were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models. Ole says to the Sven 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?' Sven replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!' Ole says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.' Sven smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.' Three weeks later, Sven asks his friend Ole, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?' Ole replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!'
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Ole moved to Montana and bought a horse from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry Ole, but I have some bad news, the horse died.' Ole replied, 'Well, then yust give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.' Ole said, 'Ok, then, yust bring me the dead horse.' The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him? Ole said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead horse!' Ole said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I yust won't tell anybody he's dead.' A month later, the farmer met up with Ole and asked, 'What happened with that dead horse?' Ole said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a net profit of $898.00.' The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Ole said, 'Yust the guy who von. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
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Three Norwegians go down to Mexico to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and then wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The 1st one, Sven, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I yust graduated from St. Olaf College in Northfield, MN and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." The executioner throws the switch and nothing happens. The jailers immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for Sven's forgiveness and release him. The 2nd, Lars, is strapped in and gives his last words. "I yust graduated from Concordia College in Moorhead, MN and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." The executioner throws the switch and, again, nothing happens. The jailers all immediately fall to their knees, beg for his forgiveness, and release him. The last one, Ole, is strapped in and says, "Vell, I'm from the Univ. of Nort' Dakota in Grand Forks and yust graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this t'ing in."
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As everyone knows, hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. Ole was sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, waiting. The student nurse told him the rules but he insisted he didn't need a wheelchair. Finally, the nurse persuaded him. On the way down, the nurse asked, "Will your wife be meeting you?" "Oh no," said Ole, "she's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
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Lars came by while Ole was planting his garden. He put in a tomato plant, then a shot of whiskey. Lars was curious and asked why he was doing that. Ole replied, "Vell, I am planting stewed tomatoes."
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Lena said, "I vas so vorried the mechanic might try to rip me off. Boy, vas I relieved vhen he told me all I needed vas turn signal fluid."
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Ole says his hired hand, Norbert Swenson, does the work of five men...The Three Stooges...and Abbott and Costello.
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Ole wasn't feeling very chipper so he went to see Dr. Ostegaard. The Dr. told Ole he was "yust to fat" and that he needed to go on a good old fashion Norwegian diet to loose some weight. Ole was instructed to go on a diet of only herring and crackers for two days, then skip a day and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost five pounds. Ole returned in two weeks, 25 pounds lighter. Dr. Ostegaard commented, "My I shud sey, Ole, dat ol Norske diet verks really goood fer ya." Ole responded: "Ya Doc, but I t'aut I was gunna drop dead after da terd day." "Vad fer, Ole, ver ya soo hungry?" "Nye Doc, from all dat skipping!"
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A doctor in Duluth wanted to take off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients. Yes, sir! answers Ole. The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks, So, Ole, how was your day? Ole tells him that he took care of three patients. The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL. Bravo, Mate, and the second one? asks the doctor. The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir, says Ole. Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one? asks the doctor. Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything, including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts, HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!! Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did you do? asks the doctor. I put drops in her eyes.
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Ole and Sven had promised their uncle Hans they would bury him at sea when he died. Their uncle had thought of himself as a seafaring Viking all his life and it was to be his final wish. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two kept their promise. They cast off from Ft. Lauderdale with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto his rowboat. After rowing for quite some time, Ole says, "Do you think we're out far enough, Sven?" Sven slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No, this vill never do - the water is only up to my chest." So they row on some more, and Sven slips over the side once again and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by while Sven is under water and poor Ole is really getting vorried. Suddenly, Sven breaks the surface, gasping for breath. "Vell, is it deep enough yet?" Ole inquires. "Ya, finally! Hand me the shovel."
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Did you hear about Ole and Lena? They were found frozen to death at the Drive-In Theater. They were watching "Closed For The Season."
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Ole got a job in the fertilizer factory. The boss tried to determine the extent of his abilities. "Tell me, do you know anything about nitrates?" Answered Ole, "All I know is dey are cheaper dan day rates!"
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Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Minneapolis. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Ole said, "I vish ve had somethin ta drink!" Sven says, "Me too. Y'know, I've hear you can drink dat yet fuel an get a buzz. Ya vanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed. Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! The phone rang. It was Sven who asks "How iss you feelin dis mornin?" Ole says, "I feel great. How bout you?" Sven says, "I feel great, too. Ya don't have no hangover?" Ole says, "No dat yet fuel iss great stuff -- no hangover, nothin. Ve oughta do dis more often." Sven agreed."Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting." Ole asked, "Vat's dat?" Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?" Ole stopped to think. "No " "Vell, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Milvaukee".
Ole met a beautiful blonde lady named chemas-microsoft-com:office marttags" />t="on">Lena and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, But we don't know anything about each other. He said, That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along. So she consented, they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning they were laying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in the jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. Lt="on">ena said, That was incredible! Ole replied, I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along. Then t="on">Lena got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about fifty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, hardly out of breath. Ole said, That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer? No. she said, I was a hooker in t="on">t="on">Thief River Falls , tate wt="on">Minnesota tate>t="on">and worked both sides of the river.
When God created Minnesota
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found Him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, 'Where have you been?' God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, 'Look Michael, look what I've made!' Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?' 'It's a planet,' replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it
Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.' 'Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. 'For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. And over there I've placed a continent of white people, while over here is a continent of black people.' God continued, pointing to different countries. 'This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.' The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to an area of rolling hills and prairie on a large land mass and said, 'What's that beautiful garden spot there? 'Ah,' said God. 'That's Minnesota, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunrises, sunsets, rolling hills, open prairie, oceans of waving wheat, small water falls, monumental rock formations,abundant wildlife, pure white snow in the winter, white fluffy clouds, blue skies year-round, and a place where a person can see millions of stars in the sky at night. God continued, 'The people from Minnesota are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace.' Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, 'What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!' God replied wisely, 'Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting around them in North Dakota, South Dakota, Iowa, Wisconsin and Manitoba.'
REVEREND OLE AND PASTOR SVEN-- Reverend Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. One day they were seen pounding a sign into the ground, which read: "Da end iss near! Turn yerself arount now before it's too late!" A car sped past them. The driver leaned out his window and yelled, "Leave me alone, you Skandihoovian, religious nuts!" From the curve was heard screeching tires and a big splash... Reverend Ole turned to Pastor Sven and asked, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say "Bridge out?"
BOAT FOR SALE -- Sven was going for his morning walk one day when he walked past Ole's house and saw a sign that said 'Boat For Sale.' This confused Sven because he knew that Ole didn't own a boat, so he finally decided to go and ask Ole about it. 'Hey Ole,' said Sven, 'I noticed da sign in your yard dat says 'Boat For Sale,' but ya don't even have a boat. All ya have is your old John Deere tractor and combine.' Ole replied, 'Yup, and dey're boat for sale.'
THE DOCTOR -- One day Ole goes in to see his doctor. Ole says, 'Doc, I just don't know vat to do. Lena and me, vell our sex life just ain't going dat vell.' The doctor says, 'Ole, all you need is some exercise. I want you to walk ten miles every day and call me back in a week to let me know how you're doing.' So, a week later the phone rings and the doctor answers it. A voice on the other end says,'Doc, dis is Ole.' The doctor says, 'Hello Ole. Have you been walking ten miles every day?' Ole says, 'Yes.' The doctor asks, 'And has your sex life improved?' Ole replies, 'Well, how da hell vould I know? I'm seventy miles from home!
THE 911 CALL --Lena passed away and Ole called 911. The 911 operator told Ole that she would send someone out right away. 'Where do you live?,' asked the operator. Ole replied, 'At da end of Eucalyptus Drive.' The operator asked, 'Can you spell that for me?'. There was a long pause and finally Ole said, 'How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up dere?'
Sven wasn't the smartest fellow. Last June, he wore two winter coats when he was painting the house, because the directions on the paint can said put on two coats.
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Lena vas pregnant wit Ole's child. Late one night, Lena voke Ole and said, "I tink it's time!" So Ole fired up da Yohn Deere tractor and took her to da hospital to have der first baby. She had a little boy, and da doctor looked over at Ole and said, "A son, Ole! Ain't dat great!" Vell, Ole got all excited by dis, but yust den da doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! Ve ain't finished yet!" Da doctor den held up a little girl. He said, "Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter!" She's a pretty little ting, too." Ole got kind of puzzled by dis, an den da doctor said, "Holey Moley, Ole, ve still ain't done yet!" Da doctor den delivered anoder boy and said, "Ole, you yust had yourself anoder son!" Ole vas flabbergasted by dis news! A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and der three children home in the self-propelled combine. He vas real serious and he asked Lena , "How come we got tree on da first try?" Lena said, "Vell, Ole, you remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and you vent out in da garage and got dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?" Ole said, "Ya, I do" . "Vell," Lena continued, "it's a darn good ting you didn't get da WD-40!"
WINTER IN MINNESOTA! THIS IS WHY WE ARE IN ARIZONA!
It's winter in Minnesota
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At twenty-five below.
Oh, how I love Minnesota
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Minnesota
'Cause I'm frozen to the ground.
The Cowboy Boots (Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this)
Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.
He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.' She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?', like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em.' Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'
He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'
She will be eligible for parole in three years.
Irish and Norwegians
The reason the Irish celebrate St. Patrick's Day is because this is when St. Patrick drove the Norwegians out of Ireland.
It seems that some centuries ago, many Norwegians came to Ireland to escape the bitterness of the Norwegian winter. Ireland was having a famine at the time, and food was scarce. The Norwegians were eating almost all the fish caught in the area, leaving it he Irish with nothing to eat but potatoes. St. Patrick, taking matters into his own hands, as most Irishmen do, decided the Norwegians had to go.
Secretly, he organized the Irish IRATRION (Irish Republican Army to Rid Ireland of Norwegians). Irish members of IRATRION passed a law in Ireland that prohibited merchants from selling ice boxes or ice to the Norwegians, in hopes that their fish would spoil. This would force the Norwegians to flee to a colder climate where their fish would keep. Well, the fish spoiled, all right, but the Norwegians, as every one knows today, thrive on spoiled fish. So, faced with failure, the desperate Irishmen sneaked into the Norwegian fish storage caves in the dead of night and sprinkled the rotten fish with lye, hoping to poison the Norwegian invaders.
But, as everyone knows, the Norwegians thought this only added to the flavor of the fish, and they liked it so much they decided to call it "lutefisk", which is Norwegian for "luscious fish."
Matters became even worse for the Irishmen when the Norwegians started taking over the Irish potato crop and making something called "lefse". Poor St. Patrick was at his wit's end, and finally on March 17th, he blew his top and told all the Norwegians to "GO TO HELL". So they all got in their boats and emigrated to Minnesota or the Dakotas – the only other paradise on earth where smelly fish, old potatoes and plenty of cold weather can be found in abundance.
And now you know the rest of the story! |
