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Ole chopped wood for five hours for the Lutheran preacher. When he finished, he rang the doorbell at the parsonage so he could be paid. The preacher seeking a bit of sympathy said, "I hope you don't charge a lot, Ole, I'm just a poor preacher. "I know", says Ole, "I've heard you preach."
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Ole and Lena spent a Sunday at the zoo. They were fascinated by the snake exhibit and noted that each snake had a separate pit where it would spend its time hissing. Ole noted that one scawny snake missed out on having his own space. Said Ole, "I feel sorry for dat poor liddle snake...he doen't have a pit to hiss in."
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Ole and Lars were discussing the frequent dry spells in South Dakota. Lars remarked that he knew for a fact that when Noah built the Ark and it rained for 40 days and 40 nights, South Dakota only got a few drops.
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Ole was filling out a questionnaire. To the question regarding church preference, Ole put down: "Red brick with white trim".
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Ole's boss had been invited to Ole and Lena's for supper. As Lena was setting the table, Ole's boss casually asked Little Ole what was being served for supper. Little Ole said, "I tink it is buzzard...because dis morning, Mama said to Papa, "If' you are going to have dat old buzzard for supper, it might as vell be tonight."
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Government surveyors came to Ole's farm in the fall and asked if they could do some surveying. Ole agreed and Lena even served them a nice meal at noontime. The next spring, the two surveyors stopped by and told Ole, "Because you were so kind to us, we wanted to give you this bad news in person instead of by letter. Ole replied, "What's the bad news? The surveyors stated, "Well, after our work we discovered your farm is not in Minnesota, but is actually in South Dakota!" Ole looked at Lena and said," That's the best news I have heard in a long time. Why I just told Lena this morning, I don't think I can take another winter in Minnesota."
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Ole and Lars go on a fishing trip to Canada and come back with only three fish. Lars says, "The way I figure it, Ole, each of them fish cost us $400. Ole says, Well, at dat price it's a good thing we didn't catch any more of dem den we did.
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Ole: I need to buy some boards der, Sven. Sven: How long you vant dem Ole? Ole: Long time. I'm building a house ya know.
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Ole was fishing with Per in a rented boat. They could not catch a thing. Ole said, "let's go a bit farder downstream." So they did, and they caught monstrous fish. They had their limit, so they went home. On the way home Per said, "I marked da spot right in da middle of da boat, Ole." "You stupid," said Ole, "How do you know ve vill get da same boat next time!"
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Did you hear about Ole's nephew Torvold who won the gold medal at the Olympics? He had it bronzed.
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Son: Mama, I have the biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat because I'm Norwegian? Mama: No, it's because your nineteen.
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Ole was hungry after driving his truck from Minneapolis to Deluth, so he stopped at a diner in Cloquet for a snack. There were five mean looking motorcyclists in the restaurant, and they started pushing him around and polking fun at him because of his accent. When the waitress brought Ole's food, the guys grabbed it from her and started eating it. Ole didn't say a word. Instead he paid his bill and walked out of the diner. One of the cyclists said to the waitress, "That Norwegian isn't much of a man, is he?" she said, "No, and he can't drive very well, either. He just ran over 5 motor bikes that are parked outside."
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Ole and Lars apply for the same job. They take the written test. "You both got the same number of questions wrong," the boss said, "but Lars gets the job." "If we both got the same number of questions worng", the boss said, "but Lars gets the job." "If we both got the same number wrong, how come he gets the job," asks Ole indignantly. "Well, one of his incorrect answers was better than yours," replied the boss. "How in the world can tha be?" questioned Ole. "Well, said the boss. "On question number 46, Lars wrote, "I don't know." and you wrote, "me, neither."
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So, Ole asks Sven, "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off 'der boats?" To which Sven replies, "Well, you know, if they fell forwards they'd still be in de boat!"
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Ole showed up for work with two black eyes. Someone asked him what happened so he told about going to the ball game the night before. A lady stood up in front of him during an exciting play in the game and Ole had noticed her dress tucked in the "cheeks" of her seat. Ole said, "I decided to be a yentleman and pull out da dress. And dat's ven she hauled off and slugged me in da eye." "So, how'd you get the other black eye?" inquired his crony. "Vell," said Ole, "Ven I saw how mad she was, I tucked it back in."
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Little Ole was sitting at the kitchen table doing his homework. He was writing an essay about his origin when he suddenly turned to question his mother. "Mama, where did Grandma come from?" he asked. "The stork brought her" answered Lena. "And where did you come from?" asked little Ole. "The stork brought me" answered Lena. "And where did I come from? Little Ole asked. "Well, son, the stork brought you too", Lena answered. Little Ole picked up his pencil, turned to his school tablet, and started to write his essay: "There hasn't been any natural births in our family for three generations!"
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Ole was irate and called the newspaper office, loudly demanding to know where the Sunday newspaper was. "Sir", said the employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until Sunday". There was quite a pause, followed by a ray of recognition. Then Ole said, "I''ll bet that's wy no one was in church today, too."
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"It's yust too hot to wear clothese today," said Ole as he stepped out of the shower. "Lena, vhat do you tink the neighbors vould tink if I mowed the lawn like dis?" "Probably that I married you for your money!"
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Ole opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Sven. "Did you see da paper?" asked Ole. "Dey say I died!!" "Ya, I saw it!" replied Sven, "Vhere are yew callin from?"
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Ole and Sven were watching a good movie on TV one afternoon when suddenly Ole jumped up and turned the TV off just when the movie was getting good. "Vhat in the vorld did you do dat fer?" asked Sven. "Vell, I have to go to da batroom and I didn't vant to miss anyting," said Ole.
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Ole and Lena was at the kitchen table for the usual morning cup of coffee and listening to a weather report coming from the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. All vehicles should be parked on the odd-numbered side of the streets today to faciliate snowplows," the radio voice declared. "Oh, gosh, OK," said Ole, getting up, bundling up and heading outside to dutifully put his car on the odd-numbered side of the street. Two days later, Ole and Lena were at morning coffee when the radio voice said: "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your vehicles on the even-numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee as before. He bundled up, shuffled off, and put his car on the even-numbered side of the street. A few days later, the couple was at the table when the radio voice declared: "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the ..." Just then, the power went out. "Park it where?" Ole asked in the dark, "What should I do?" "Aw, to heck with them, Ole," Lena said, "Don't worry about it doay. Just leave the car in the garage.
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Ole, Lena, and Sven were lost in the woods and were becoming desperate, having run out of food several days ago. it was winter, the snow was deep, and their situation was looking very bleak. When Ole dug down into the snow to look for nuts, he found an old lamp and upon rubbing it to get the snow off, a genie came out. The genie says, "I am da great genie of the North and I can grant each of you vun vish." Ole says, "I vish I vas back on my farm." Poof! And Ole was gone. Lena quickly says, "I vish I vas back on da farm with Ole." Poof! and Lena's gone. Sven just sat there in the snow and looked very sad. "Sven, vat is it dat you vish for?" asked the genie. Sven says, "Gee, I'm so lonely, I vish Ole and Lena ver back here wid me."
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Ole, Lars and Sven had been going to the Sons of Norway hall meeting as long as there had been a hall. And every month, wouldn't ya know it, they didn't win a prize in the monthly drawing. That is until the last meeting. Sven was the first one of the three to get his name drawn. He won two pounds of spaghetti sauce, four boxes of noodles, and three pounds of swedish meatballs. Ole had his name drawn next. He got himself round trip tickets to Duluth, a nights stay at the Dew Drop Inn and pair of tickets to see the Inger triplets Polka Ensemble. Ole thought that he had died and gone to heaven. Lars was the last one to have his name drawn, he won a toilet brush.
At the next monthly meeting, they sat down together to check out how they had fared for the past month. Sven said "Uff da, I had dat pasghetti for tree days. It was so good, and Helga didn't have to buy food for them dere tree days." Ole said "Lena was so happy vhen I brought home dem tickets. The trip up to Duluth was nice, we got to ride da Greyhound, and you know, they got a built in outhouse on dat dere bus. And the Inger Triplets, if I didn't know better, I would swear dey were sisters."
Then Ole turned to Lars, and asked him how his prize worked out. Lars looks at them both and says "Dat dere toilet brush is nice, but I tink I'll go back to using paper."
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Ole and Lena's biggest boy, Lars, was walking down the street one dark night when two thugs jumped him. Although he put up a good fight the two men finally got the best of him. After they finished searching his pockets, they were amazed at the small amount of money he had on him. One said, "Wow! You mean you put up a fight like that for just 67 cents!" "Shucks, no," said Lars. "I thought you were after the $500 in my shoe."
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Ole got a job in a garden center. On his first day, a customer came up with a can of insecticide in his hands and asked, "Is this good for red ants?" "No," said Ole, "It'll kill 'em!"
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Ole drove his pickup through the toll booth. The attendant said "Fifty Cents." Ole said, "Sold!"
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Lena said, "You know, Ole, that man next door brings his wife flowers every week. Couldn't you do that?" Ole replied, "No, I don't think I know her that well."
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Lena stepped up to the clerk in the department store and asked, "Can I try on dat dress in da vindow?" The clerk responded, "O.K., but we'd reather you used the dressing room."
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Ole heard about the wonderful drug Viagra and thought he would try it. Unfortunately, when he went to swallow it, it got stuck in his throat. Now he is walking around with a stiff neck!
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Ole was never very bright in school, but one day the teacher started speak'en his language. She asked the class, "Can anyone use the words defense, defeat and detail in one sentence?" Ole sprang to his feet with his arm stretched in the air. The teacher very surprised, told him to go ahead. Ole proudly stated, "Ven de horse jumps over de fence de tail comes after de feet."
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One day Ole was home alone when the lady next door came over. "Ole she said, would you please do me a favor and take off my blouse for me?" Ole's face got a little red but he obliged her. "Now Ole would you please take off my skirt for me?" Once again Ole obliged her. "Ok Ole, take off my panties and bra." Ole took the last two items off and tossed them aside, his face now burning. She looked Ole in the eyes and said "And, don't let me catch you wearing my clothes again!"
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Lena: Why do you go on the balcany when I sing? Don't you like to hear me sing?
Ole: Well, I just want the neighbours to see I'm not beating my wife.
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Back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days, and then the pioneers saw an old Norwegian named Ole sitting beneath a tree. "Is there some place ahead where we can get food?" "Vell, I tink so," old man Ole said, "but I wouldn't go up dat hilll und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon tree." "A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader. "Yah, a bacon tree. Vould I lie? Trust me. I vouldn't go dere." The leader goes back and tells his people what the Norwegian said. "So why did he say not to go there?," a person asked. Other pioneers said, "Oh, you know those Norwegian people - they lie just for a joke." So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack them from everywhere and massacre all except the leader who manages to escape and get back to the old Norwegian Ole. Near dead, the man shouts, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your route, but there was no bacon tree, just hundreds of Indians who killed everyone but me." Ole holds up his hand and says, "Vait a minute." He quickly picks up an English-Norwegian dictionary and begins thumbing through it. "Oof-da, I made such ah big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree ... it vuz a ham bush."
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Lena got her passport picture back and said, "Ole, I think we have to cancel our trip, I don't look well enough to travel."
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Ole says that Lena is "yust like an angel, She's always up in the air, and harping on something."
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Ole went to a Minneapolis bank to cash a check. Since Ole had no account at the bank, the Clerk asked if he could identify himself. “Sure,” said Ole, “is there a mirror around here?” “Yes” said the clerk, “on the wall behind you.” Ole moved over to the mirror, looked carefully and then turned around to announce: “Yah, it’s ME all right.
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Little Ole was getting to the age where he though he should have a car. Ole resisted, saying he might reconsider if Little Ole would get a haircut, get better grades in school, and read the Bible every day. To Ole’s surprise, Little Ole began getting straight “A’s” and he was reading the Bible every day. But, he persisted in wearing his hair long. When asked about the promise of a car, Ole reminded him of the long hair. “But Papa” said Little Ole, “da Bible says Jesus and all those Apostles wore deir hair long. “Yah,” said Ole, “and you vil also notice the Bible says dey valked vhereever dey vent.”
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LARS: Ve had a crasy ting happen at our house yesterday. My vife accidentally closed da lid on da deep freeze…and da cat vas in it.
OLE: For gammelost sakes! Vat did you do?
LARS: Vell, ve took da cat out…it had been in dere for about 6 hours, and it vas stiff as a board.
OLE: So, vhat did you do den?
LARS: I took a few drops of gasoline and put on his tongue. Yeee Visss! Did dat cat ever come to life. He yumped about 6 feet in da air and ran around da room for about ten minutes. Den he stopped.
OLE: Vas he dead?
LARS: no, yust out of gas.
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Ole found a bottle on the street, rubbed it a bit to dust it off. Suddenly a genie popped out, thanked Ole, and told him he had three wishes. For his first wish Ole asked for a brand new red convertible, with all kinds of chrome, a terrific stereo and many other gadgets. Poof, instantly he was in a beautiful red convertible so gorgeous you wouldn’t believe it. Then he said, “I wish I had a beautiful red haired gal in this car with me to help me enjoy it. Poof, instantly an absolutely ravishing, gorgeous young gal sat right next to him. Then, Ole tuned in a station on his car radio. Beautiful music. As the song ended, a commercial came on. In his joy, Ole began singing along with the commercial, “I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Weiner….”
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At All Saints Lutheran Church in Minneapolis, Minnesota, they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Pastor asked Ole Westrum, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Vell, Ole replied to the assembled husbands, "I've tried to treat her nice, spend da money on her, but best of all, I took her to Norvay for da 20th anniversary!" The Pastor responded, "Ole, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your 50th anniversary.? Ole proudly replied, I'm agonna go get her."
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Reverend Ole was the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran church, and Pastor Sven was the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. I saw them yesterday standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that reads: "Da End iss Near! Turn Yourself Aroundt Now! Before It's Too Late!" As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" From the curve we heard screeching tires and a big splash... Rev Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, "Bridge Out"?
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Ole called the doctor and asked him to come over and have a look at his son-in-law who had several buckshot in his rear quarters. The doctor queried, "Why in the world would you fire buckshot at your son-in-law?" To which Ole replied, "Vhen I fired da buckshot, he vasn't my son-in-law!"
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Ole was staggering home after a night in the tavern. A Lutheran minister saw him and offered to help him get home safely. As they approached the house, Ole asked the minister to step inside for a moment. He explained, "I vant Lena to see who I have been out vith."
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Sven and Ole went hunting for deer one day. As good hunters always do, they stopped to ask the farmer permission to hunt. The farmer agreed to let the two hunt, but warned them that he had a very large farm and it was easy to become lost. He told the two hunters that if they got lost to fire three shots into the air and he would come get them. This sounded like a good plan and they were off. About a half hour later the two found themselves totally lost. Sven said, "Ole, I believe ve be lost, you better fire three shots into de air." "Ya, I tink you're right, Sven," said Ole. "Ve better get dat farmer going." So Ole fires three shots into the air with great expectations of seeing the farmer. A half hour passes and no farmer. Sven says, "Ole, I tink you better fire three more shots into the air, the farmer has not come yet." "I can't," said Ole, "I run out of arrows."
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Ole was irate and called the newspaper office, loudly demanding to know where the Sunday newspaper was. Sir, said the employee, today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until Sunday. There was quite a pause, followed by a ray of recognition. Then Ole said, "I'll bet that's why no one was in church today, too."
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"It's yust too hot to wear clothes today," said Ole as he stepped out of the shower. "Lena, vhat do you tink the neighbors vould tink if I mowed the law like dis?" Probably that I married you for your money.
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At 85 years of age, Ole married Lena, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lena decides that after their wedding she and Ole should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Lena prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Ole, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Ole takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lena hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Ole. Again he is ready for more 'action.' Somewhat surprised, Lena consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Ole kisses his bride, bids her a fond oodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it..... Ole is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action.' And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Ole gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Ole.' Ole, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lena and says: ......'You mean I've been here already?
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Lars: "Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if da turn signals are vorking."
Ole: "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No..."
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It's Winter in North Dakota and the gentle breezes blow. 70 miles an hour at 35 below. Oh how I love North Dakota. When the snow is up to your butt. You take a breath of winter and your nose gets frozen shut. yes, the weather here is wonderful. So I guess I'll hang around. I could never leave North Dakota I'm frozen to the ground.
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Two Swedes from Minnesota, Sven & Ole, walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Gull Lake. At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "By yumpin' yiminy, disbudgie yumping is too dangerous for me." VAIT!!! Dere's MORE! Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE , you betcha!! Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Ole shakes his head. "First der was Sven with his budgie yumping, den Knute parrotshooting ..and now Lars, hengliding ......" Dats all. Dere ain't no more!
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Ole, out on the golf course, takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said "How bad is it doc? . I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiancie Lena is still a wirgin - in every vay". The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your Willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together. Quite an impressive work of art. Ole mentions none of this to Lena, marries her, and they go on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, Lena rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful untouched breasts. She said, "You're the first vun. No vun has EVER seen deez." Ole immediately drops his pants and replies, "Look at dis, still in da CRATE!"
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When Ole & Lena were young and in love, they would go to their favorite spot to park. One night while parked hugging and kissing, Ole asks Lena, Lena, how would you like to go in the back?” “No,” she replies. So they hug and kiss some more. Again, Ole asks Lena to go in the back.
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Ole and Sven are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, drinking beer, when suddenly Sven says, “I think I’m gonna divorce my wife – she ain’t spoke to me in over two months.” Ole sips his beer and says, “Better think it over….women like that are hard to find.”
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One morning, Sven returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, wife Lena decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside Lena and says, “Good morning Ma’am. What are you doing? “You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area, he informs her. I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing, I’m reading.” “Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write up.” “For reading a book?” she asks. “If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault” says Lena. “But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden. “That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment”. “Have a nice day Ma’am and he left. Moral: Never argue with a woman who reads. It’s likely she can also think.
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Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it. "Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet." "How come?" asked Lars. "Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet, she can't sing."
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Lena was being interviewed for a job as a maid for the very wealthy Mrs. Diamond, who asked her: "Do you have any religious views?" "No," said Lena, "but I've got some nice pictures of Norway."
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Ole, who lived in central Minnesota was getting old but he still wanted to plant his annual vegetable garden. It was difficult work, the ground was hard, and his son Lars, who usually helped him with the job, was inn prison. Ole wrote a letter to his son and told him of the predicament: “Dear Lars, I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up the garden pot this y ear. I know if you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me like in the old days. Love, Pop.” A few days later, he got a letter from Lars. “Dear Pop. Don’t go digging in the garden. That’s where the bodies are buried. Love Lars. At 4 am the next morning, FBIO agents and local police arrive and dug up the entire spot without finding any bodies. They apologized to Ole and left. The same day Ole received a second letter from his son. “Dear Pop, go ahead and plant your garden now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you, Lars.”
Little Ole had been spending some time roaming around the stationary store. A clerk though he might need assistance, so approached the lad and said, “Is there anything I can help you find?” “Ja!” replied Ole. “I’m looking for blank report cards.”
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Two Wisconsin mechanical engineers named Sven and Ole were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walks by and asks what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,' said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "eighteen feet, six inches" and walked away. Ole shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a woman! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
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Ole came back to work 15 minutes late. The boss noticed & asked where he had been. Ole: "Getting a haircut." Boss: "On company time?" Ole: "It grew on company time." Boss: "Not all of it." Ole: "I didn't get it all cut off."
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Ole tried to sell his car. He was having alot of problems selling it because the car had over 250,000 miles on it. One day, he told his problem to Sven who worked at the gas station. Sven told him, "Ole, der's a way ta make da car easier ta sell, but it ain't legal." "Dat don't matter," replied Ole, "If I only can sell the car, dat's ok." "Okay," said Sven. "here's da address of a frienda mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell em I sent you and he vill turn da counter in yer car back ta 50,000 miles. Den it von't be a problem ta sell yer car anymore." The following weekend, Ole made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, Sven asked Ole, "Vell Ole, did ya sell y er car?" "No," replied Ole, "Vy should I, ya dummy? Now it only has 50,000 miles on."
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There is a factory in t="on">Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo Toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM . The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager burst into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and approached Lena. 'I'm sorry,' he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..' 'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
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Ole, Sven and Lars are in jail for stealing Lutefisk when they decide to break out. To their amazement, their plan works and they find themselves free and on the run. Ole sees a barn. "Let's hide in da hayloft of dat barn, dey'll never find us in dere!" After sleeping the night in the barn, Ole hears police officers outside. One of the officers yells, "come out with your hands in the air you lousy lutefisk lifters!" Ole says to Sven and Lars, "Hide in dose baskets over dere. Dey'll never find us in dose!" So Ole gets in the first basket, Sven gets in the second basket and Lars gets in the third basket. Meanwhile, the officers get a ladder set up and are climbing up to the loft. Once they get up, one officer starts kicking the baskets. He kicks the first basket. Ole's inside and shouts, "Ruff-Ruff!" It's just a dog in this one!" yells the officer. He kicks the second basket. Sven's inside and shouts, "Meow!" "It's just a cat in this basket!" yells the officer. He kicks the third basket and Lars yells out, "POTATES!"
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A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Ya sure," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Ver ya from?" "Norway," replies the second man. The first man responds, "Ya don't say, I'm from Norvay too! Let's have anudder round to Norvay." Curious, the first man then asks: "Vere in Norvay are ya from?" "Bergen," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Bergen too! Let's have annudder drink to old Bergen." Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "So, vere did you live?" "On a boat, at da fishin docks," replies the second man. "Dis is unbelievable!" the first man says, "I lived on a boat at da fishin docks, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's up?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "Ole and his brother Sven are getting drunk again."
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Night after night Ole and Lena would just about fall asleep and the next door neighbor's dog would begin barking in the backyard. Even when Ole would get up, open the window and yell at the dog, it did no good. A great while later the dog would stop, but only after Ole and Len had lost a good part of the night's sleep. One night, Ole got up, dressed, and went out. When he came back, Lena could still hear the dog barking. So, even though she knew better, she asked, "Ole, vat did yew do out dere?" Vell, Lena, I vent out, got da dog and put it in our back yard. Let's see how dey like it!"
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A neighbor asked Ole why the Norwegian government doesn't draft men until age 45. Ole explained, "Dey vant to get tem right otta high school."
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Lena said to Ole, "Der is trouble vit da car, sveethearht. It has vater in da carburetor." Puzzled, Ole ask, "Vater in da carburetor? Dat is ridiculous." But Lena was emphatic. She kept insisting that there was water in the carburetor. Finally Ole yelled, "You don't even know vat a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Ver is da car?" "In da lake", she answered.
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Ole's neighbor Sven had a boy, Sven Junior, who came home one day and asked, "Papa, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becuss I'm Norvegian?" "No," said Sven, "It's because your're NINETEEN."
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Lena asks her boyfriend Ole to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, that Lena tells Ole that after dinner, she would like to go out and (vell ya know) for the first time. Well, Ole is ecstatic, but he has never (vell ya know) before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps Ole for about an hour. He teaches Ole everything there is to k now about protection and (vell ya know). At the register, the pharmacist asks Ole how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. Ole insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all. That night, Ole shows up at Lena's parent's house and meets her at the door. "Ole I'm so excited for you ta meet my parents, come on in." Ole goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where Lena's parents are seated. Ole quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes and Ole is still deep in prayer with his head down. Three minutes of praying pass and still no movement from Ole. Finally, after five minutes of praying with his head down, Lena leans over and whispers to her Ole, "I had no idea you vere so religious." Ole turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father vas a pharmacist."
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Ole & Lena were visited by a door-to-door salesman. He tried to convince them that if they bought the big freezer he was selling, they would save enough on food bills to pay for the freezer. Ole responded that they were paying for the house on what they were saving on rent. And they were saving on movie tickets with the price of cable TV. And we're saving on laundromat with the new washer and dryer. So, I guess ve have to say, ve can't afford to save any more right now!
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Lutefisk and the Non-Norwegian
If you're like me, just trying to "pass", I found this little test on the internet you can do to see whether you are ready for your first taste of lutefisk. You will need a bottle of aquavit, a slice of lemon, a cracker, a dishtowel, ketchup, a piece of lettuce, some caviar, and a Kit-Kat candy bar.
1. Take a shot of aquavit.
2. Take two (they're small)
3. Put a bit of caviar on a bit of lettuce.
4. Put the lettuce on a cracker
5. Squeeze some lemon juice on the caviar
6. Pour some ketchup on the Kit Kat bar
7. Tie the dishtowel around your eyes
If you can taste the difference between caviar on a cracker and ketchup on a Kit Kat while blindfolded, you have not had enough aquavit to be ready for lutefisk. Return to step 1.
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Ole & Lena were lying in bed. Ole said, "I'm going to make you the happiest woman in the vorld." Lena replied, "I'll miss you!!"
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At the meeting of the Loyal Order of Norwegian Sons of Eric, the Secretary got up before the lodge to announce: "Tonight we will not be honored by the presence of our most illustrious and powerful, all-seeing and omnipotent Grand Ruler of the Lodge. His wife won't let him out tonight."
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Uncle Thorvald said, "I met my wife at a dance. It vas so embarrassing. I t'ought she was home vit the kids.
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They were strolling down a country lane when Bjorn said, "Ah, Hilda, look at dat cow and calf in de pasture. De sign of dem rubbing noses makes me vant to do de same." "Vell, go ahead," she replied, "It's your cow."
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Uncle Arne was drawing his last breaths. He called his wife, Ingeborg, to his side and said, "I have a confession to make. During our marriage I ran around with other women." "Ya I know," replied Ingeborg. "That's why I posoned you!"
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During a physical examination the doctor noticed Ole's hands were shaking. "You drink a lot, don't you Ole," asked the doctor. "Nope," said Ole, "I spill most of it!"
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A neighbor asked Ole why the Norwegian government doesn't draft men until age 45. Ole explained, "Dey vant to get dem right outta of high school."
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One night, a torrential rain soaked northwestern MN. The next morning the resulting flood waters came up about 6 ft. into most of the homes there. Mrs. Johnson was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Lena, waiting for help to come. Mrs. Johnson noticed a baseball cap, floating near the house. The she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back towards the house. Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Lena, "Do you see dat ter baseball cap a floatin' away from da house, den back again?" Lena said, "Oh yeah, dats my husband Ole; I tole dat lazy such-and-such he vas gonna cut da grass today, come hell or high water!!!
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Vun Day, Sven vas valking down da street ven who did he see driving a brand new Chevrolet? It vas Ole. Ole pulled up to him vit a vide smile. "Ole, vere did you get dat car?" Sven asked, Lena gave it to me." "She gave it to you? I knew she vas sveet on you but dis?" "Vell, let me tell you vat happened. Ve vere driving out on County Road 6. In da middle of novhere Lena pulled off da road and into the woods. She parked got out of the car and said, "Okay Ole, take vhatever you vant." "...so I took da car." "Ole, you are a smart man, dem clothes never voudla fit ya."
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One night Ole was sitting reading the paper when he looked out the window and saw that his barn was on fire. So Ole quickly jumped up and called the fire department and said, "Hurry, come quick, my barn's burning' down!" The fire chief replied, "Ole, slow down. Now how do we get there?" and Ole said, "Vell don't you have dat little red truck anymore?"
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Ole walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?" Ole says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt ven da phone rang and I accidentally answered da iron." The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?" Ole says, "I tried ta call da doctor."
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Ten Commandments: Minnesota Style
1. Der's only one God, ya know.
2. Don't make that fish on your mantle an idol.
3. Cussing ain't Minnesota nice.
4. Go to church even when you're up nort.
5. Honor your folks.
6. Don't kill. Catch and release.
7. There is only one Lena for every Ole. No cheatin'.
8. If it ain't your lutefisk, don't take it.
9. Don't be braggin' about how much snow ya shoveled.
10. Keep your mind off your neighbor's hotdish.
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Ole told Sven that Lena tried out for the Olympic svim team. She competed in the breast stroke, and finished dead last. Vell, complained Lena, dem udder girls cheated. Dey ver using dere arms!
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Wanting a portrait with which to surprise her husband, a beautiful woman asks talented artist Ole to paint her in the nude. "No," Ole replies. "I don't do dat sorta ting." "But what if I double your fee?" asks the woman. "Nope, sorry. Von't do it." replies Ole. "How about I give you five times what you normally get?" pleads the woman. "Oh, okay den," says Ole, "But I'm keeping my socks on. I need a place ta put my brushes."
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Knute Hegermoe got tired of farming so he went off to sea and became a pirate. Ten years later he was seen back home with a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a black patch over one eye. Ole spotted him and asked what happened. "Vell", said Knute, "I have been a pirate, and it's a tough life. Vun time in a battle a cannon ball shot off my leg, so I had to whittle myself a peg leg. Den, I got in a sword fight and lost my right hand so our ship's blacksmith made me a metal hook." "So what about the patch over your eye?", Ole asked. Knute explained that he had been up on deck taking navigational sightings when suddenly a seagull divebombed him with a mess square in the eye. "But THAT wouldn't make you lose an eye", said Ole. "Ya it would", said Knute, "if you yust got a new hook on your hand".
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Two young men from up in Minnesota were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models. Ole says to the Sven 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?' Sven replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!' Ole says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.' Sven smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.' Three weeks later, Sven asks his friend Ole, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?' Ole replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!'
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Ole moved to Montana and bought a horse from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry Ole, but I have some bad news, the horse died.' Ole replied, 'Well, then yust give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.' Ole said, 'Ok, then, yust bring me the dead horse.' The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him? Ole said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead horse!' Ole said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I yust won't tell anybody he's dead.' A month later, the farmer met up with Ole and asked, 'What happened with that dead horse?' Ole said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a net profit of $898.00.' The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Ole said, 'Yust the guy who von. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
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Three Norwegians go down to Mexico to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and then wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The 1st one, Sven, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I yust graduated from St. Olaf College in Northfield, MN and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." The executioner throws the switch and nothing happens. The jailers immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for Sven's forgiveness and release him. The 2nd, Lars, is strapped in and gives his last words. "I yust graduated from Concordia College in Moorhead, MN and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." The executioner throws the switch and, again, nothing happens. The jailers all immediately fall to their knees, beg for his forgiveness, and release him. The last one, Ole, is strapped in and says, "Vell, I'm from the Univ. of Nort' Dakota in Grand Forks and yust graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this t'ing in."
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As everyone knows, hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. Ole was sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, waiting. The student nurse told him the rules but he insisted he didn't need a wheelchair. Finally, the nurse persuaded him. On the way down, the nurse asked, "Will your wife be meeting you?" "Oh no," said Ole, "she's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
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Lars came by while Ole was planting his garden. He put in a tomato plant, then a shot of whiskey. Lars was curious and asked why he was doing that. Ole replied, "Vell, I am planting stewed tomatoes."
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Lena said, "I vas so vorried the mechanic might try to rip me off. Boy, vas I relieved vhen he told me all I needed vas turn signal fluid."
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Ole says his hired hand, Norbert Swenson, does the work of five men...The Three Stooges...and Abbott and Costello.
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Ole wasn't feeling very chipper so he went to see Dr. Ostegaard. The Dr. told Ole he was "yust to fat" and that he needed to go on a good old fashion Norwegian diet to loose some weight. Ole was instructed to go on a diet of only herring and crackers for two days, then skip a day and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost five pounds. Ole returned in two weeks, 25 pounds lighter. Dr. Ostegaard commented, "My I shud sey, Ole, dat ol Norske diet verks really goood fer ya." Ole responded: "Ya Doc, but I t'aut I was gunna drop dead after da terd day." "Vad fer, Ole, ver ya soo hungry?" "Nye Doc, from all dat skipping!"
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A doctor in Duluth wanted to take off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients. Yes, sir! answers Ole. The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks, So, Ole, how was your day? Ole tells him that he took care of three patients. The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL. Bravo, Mate, and the second one? asks the doctor. The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir, says Ole. Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one? asks the doctor. Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything, including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts, HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!! Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did you do? asks the doctor. I put drops in her eyes.
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Ole and Sven had promised their uncle Hans they would bury him at sea when he died. Their uncle had thought of himself as a seafaring Viking all his life and it was to be his final wish. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two kept their promise. They cast off from Ft. Lauderdale with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto his rowboat. After rowing for quite some time, Ole says, "Do you think we're out far enough, Sven?" Sven slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No, this vill never do - the water is only up to my chest." So they row on some more, and Sven slips over the side once again and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by while Sven is under water and poor Ole is really getting vorried. Suddenly, Sven breaks the surface, gasping for breath. "Vell, is it deep enough yet?" Ole inquires. "Ya, finally! Hand me the shovel."
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Did you hear about Ole and Lena? They were found frozen to death at the Drive-In Theater. They were watching "Closed For The Season."
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Ole got a job in the fertilizer factory. The boss tried to determine the extent of his abilities. "Tell me, do you know anything about nitrates?" Answered Ole, "All I know is dey are cheaper dan day rates!"
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Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Minneapolis. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Ole said, "I vish ve had somethin ta drink!" Sven says, "Me too. Y'know, I've hear you can drink dat yet fuel an get a buzz. Ya vanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed. Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! The phone rang. It was Sven who asks "How iss you feelin dis mornin?" Ole says, "I feel great. How bout you?" Sven says, "I feel great, too. Ya don't have no hangover?" Ole says, "No dat yet fuel iss great stuff -- no hangover, nothin. Ve oughta do dis more often." Sven agreed."Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting." Ole asked, "Vat's dat?" Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?" Ole stopped to think. "No " "Vell, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Milvaukee".
Ole met a beautiful blonde lady named Lena and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, But we don't know anything about each other. He said, That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along. So she consented, they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning they were laying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in the jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. Lena said, That was incredible! Ole replied, I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along. Then Lena got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about fifty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, hardly out of breath. Ole said, That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer? No. she said, I was a hooker in Thief River Falls, Minnesota and worked both sides of the river.
When God created Minnesota
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found Him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, 'Where have you been?' God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, 'Look Michael, look what I've made!' Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?' 'It's a planet,' replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it
Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.' 'Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. 'For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. And over there I've placed a continent of white people, while over here is a continent of black people.' God continued, pointing to different countries. 'This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.' The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to an area of rolling hills and prairie on a large land mass and said, 'What's that beautiful garden spot there? 'Ah,' said God. 'That's Minnesota, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunrises, sunsets, rolling hills, open prairie, oceans of waving wheat, small water falls, monumental rock formations,abundant wildlife, pure white snow in the winter, white fluffy clouds, blue skies year-round, and a place where a person can see millions of stars in the sky at night. God continued, 'The people from Minnesota are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace.' Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, 'What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!' God replied wisely, 'Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting around them in North Dakota, South Dakota, Iowa, Wisconsin and Manitoba.'
REVEREND OLE AND PASTOR SVEN-- Reverend Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. One day they were seen pounding a sign into the ground, which read: "Da end iss near! Turn yerself arount now before it's too late!" A car sped past them. The driver leaned out his window and yelled, "Leave me alone, you Skandihoovian, religious nuts!" From the curve was heard screeching tires and a big splash... Reverend Ole turned to Pastor Sven and asked, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say "Bridge out?"
BOAT FOR SALE -- Sven was going for his morning walk one day when he walked past Ole's house and saw a sign that said 'Boat For Sale.' This confused Sven because he knew that Ole didn't own a boat, so he finally decided to go and ask Ole about it. 'Hey Ole,' said Sven, 'I noticed da sign in your yard dat says 'Boat For Sale,' but ya don't even have a boat. All ya have is your old John Deere tractor and combine.' Ole replied, 'Yup, and dey're boat for sale.'
THE DOCTOR -- One day Ole goes in to see his doctor. Ole says, 'Doc, I just don't know vat to do. Lena and me, vell our sex life just ain't going dat vell.' The doctor says, 'Ole, all you need is some exercise. I want you to walk ten miles every day and call me back in a week to let me know how you're doing.' So, a week later the phone rings and the doctor answers it. A voice on the other end says,'Doc, dis is Ole.' The doctor says, 'Hello Ole. Have you been walking ten miles every day?' Ole says, 'Yes.' The doctor asks, 'And has your sex life improved?' Ole replies, 'Well, how da hell vould I know? I'm seventy miles from home!
THE 911 CALL --Lena passed away and Ole called 911. The 911 operator told Ole that she would send someone out right away. 'Where do you live?,' asked the operator. Ole replied, 'At da end of Eucalyptus Drive.' The operator asked, 'Can you spell that for me?'. There was a long pause and finally Ole said, 'How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up dere?'
Sven wasn't the smartest fellow. Last June, he wore two winter coats when he was painting the house, because the directions on the paint can said put on two coats.
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Lena vas pregnant wit Ole's child. Late one night, Lena voke Ole and said, "I tink it's time!" So Ole fired up da Yohn Deere tractor and took her to da hospital to have der first baby. She had a little boy, and da doctor looked over at Ole and said, "A son, Ole! Ain't dat great!" Vell, Ole got all excited by dis, but yust den da doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! Ve ain't finished yet!" Da doctor den held up a little girl. He said, "Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter!" She's a pretty little ting, too." Ole got kind of puzzled by dis, an den da doctor said, "Holey Moley, Ole, ve still ain't done yet!" Da doctor den delivered anoder boy and said, "Ole, you yust had yourself anoder son!" Ole vas flabbergasted by dis news! A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and der three children home in the self-propelled combine. He vas real serious and he asked Lena , "How come we got tree on da first try?" Lena said, "Vell, Ole, you remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and you vent out in da garage and got dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?" Ole said, "Ya, I do" . "Vell," Lena continued, "it's a darn good ting you didn't get da WD-40!"
WINTER IN MINNESOTA! THIS IS WHY WE ARE IN ARIZONA!
It's winter in Minnesota
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At twenty-five below.
Oh, how I love Minnesota
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Minnesota
'Cause I'm frozen to the ground.
The Cowboy Boots (Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this)
Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.
He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.' She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?', like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em.' Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'
He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'
She will be eligible for parole in three years.
Irish and Norwegians
The reason the Irish celebrate St. Patrick's Day is because this is when St. Patrick drove the Norwegians out of Ireland.
It seems that some centuries ago, many Norwegians came to Ireland to escape the bitterness of the Norwegian winter. Ireland was having a famine at the time, and food was scarce. The Norwegians were eating almost all the fish caught in the area, leaving it he Irish with nothing to eat but potatoes. St. Patrick, taking matters into his own hands, as most Irishmen do, decided the Norwegians had to go.
Secretly, he organized the Irish IRATRION (Irish Republican Army to Rid Ireland of Norwegians). Irish members of IRATRION passed a law in Ireland that prohibited merchants from selling ice boxes or ice to the Norwegians, in hopes that their fish would spoil. This would force the Norwegians to flee to a colder climate where their fish would keep. Well, the fish spoiled, all right, but the Norwegians, as every one knows today, thrive on spoiled fish. So, faced with failure, the desperate Irishmen sneaked into the Norwegian fish storage caves in the dead of night and sprinkled the rotten fish with lye, hoping to poison the Norwegian invaders.
But, as everyone knows, the Norwegians thought this only added to the flavor of the fish, and they liked it so much they decided to call it "lutefisk", which is Norwegian for "luscious fish."
Matters became even worse for the Irishmen when the Norwegians started taking over the Irish potato crop and making something called "lefse". Poor St. Patrick was at his wit's end, and finally on March 17th, he blew his top and told all the Norwegians to "GO TO HELL". So they all got in their boats and emigrated to Minnesota or the Dakotas – the only other paradise on earth where smelly fish, old potatoes and plenty of cold weather can be found in abundance.
And now you know the rest of the story! |
